No, I can’t…and I’m not your brother.  And this ain’t no episode of 227 either.

Do you know the last time I went outside and sat on my stoop? Care to take any guesses? C’mon…guess…well, how about NEVER?!?

For reals. I have never been able to go out and sit on my stoop. I want to sit on my stoop. I grew up in a house where porch-sitting was a finely honed art. My ass was made for sitting, and watching the world go by.  And here? I don’t do that.  Why, you may ask?

Well, let me indulge you in the plethora of reasons as to why white girls shouldn’t sit on stoops in the City of Baltimore:

1. The homeless/meth addicts/random strangers will come up and ask you for money/food/cigarettes, etc.

2.  I’m too pretty to sit outside on a city street. I heard that one of our residents in the ‘hood was sitting one her stoop one night, and was robbed at gunpoint for her car. Yeah–scary.

3. The homeless already like to plant themselves on our stoop during the day.  I don’t have anything against the homeless–but don’t set up residence on my steps.

4. It’s too damn hot outside. And there are flies EVERYWHERE. And honestly? The ‘hood STINKS like…well, I don’t know exactly what it smells like–but the water running down alleys is green with some kind of something–and with people pissing and puking and pooping in random spots all over the neighborhood–it really just smells bad. Blech.

5.  The non-residents who like to park in our ‘hood on a daily basis on their way to jobs at UMd and such can be very violent and confrontational. No thank you.

6.  My sitting on my stoop might detract from the UMd employees sitting there for their smoke breaks. Thanks, guys. As a non-smoker, I really appreciate coming home to a house that stinks of your cancer sticks. It’s super!

So, the Brain and I have a brilliant solution for keeping people off our stoops–but we need an investor to get the ball rolling.  So until we can patent our stoop spike kit to keep you off our steps, you best be keeping your trifling ass rolling down the street to one of our lesser liked neighbors.

Oh yeah, and don’t think we won’t call the cops on you. Sitting on stoops that don’t belong to you might be fun and stuff, but it’s still trespassing and loitering.

Word!

This entry was posted on Monday, August 9th, 2010 at 8:31 pm and is filed under 'Round the 'hood, Really?. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.