Take heart, B'more!

The other day, the Brain and I walked to the ESPN (crap) Zone to take advantage of their misfortune, and raid the 1/2 off sale in their giftshop. Yeah, we’re vultures. It’s all good.

Anyways, as we walked through the Inner Harbor, it was CRAZY PACKED with people. Like, literally, people on people on people. WTF! There was a LINE for the Water Taxi. I’ve never seen a line for the Water Taxi before! And they were possessive line standers, too. The kind that give you the, “don’t you dare think about cutting the line, or I might be forced to cut you” looks. Not bad for a bunch of patsy’s from Iowa!  I mean!

There were so many people with kids–and not just teenagers, but parents that decide to let their toddlers be independent and walk on their own–right into the paths of people trying to get from one place to another. Do they not realize how easy it would be for an evil person to just swoop in, grab a kid, and keep walking? With the vast number of people crowding the Inner Harbor, it would be a cinch to get lost with a child that doesn’t belong to you. Maybe I just found a way to pay off my student loans?!?

So, to those of you who are visiting Baltimore this summer, here are some general rules to surviving a vacation here.

1. If you’re child is still small enough to carry, do NOT let them out of your sight! Carry them, put them on a leash, hold their hand–do SOMETHING to ensure that they go home with you at the end of the day!

2. If you are a sight seer, please be considerate of others around you who have destinations to get to. Please don’t stop the flow of traffic to gawk at the Cheesecake Factory. Don’t try to take pictures of your party posing on a park bench on the other side of the walkway. People will NOT stop so you can get the perfect shot of your husband holding a carry-out bag of food from the Cheesecake Factory (no joke, we witnessed this. Where are these people from? Iowa?)

3.  Do NOT eat at the Cheesecake Factory! Really, it’s a CHAIN. Just like Uno. Be adventerous. Go off the beaten path. Try something new and unique to Baltimore. Eat crabs and Berger cookies.

4.  Rita’s is the most awesome thing in the world, however, you guys are getting SCREWED on prices. Little secret–tourists pay double to eat Rita’s at the Inner Harbor. No joke.  A regular size ice should run you around $2.50 (or less) at any other location. At the Inner Harbor–it’s $4.59.

5.  Don’t line cut. If you see a bunch of people standing around in a line, and then you see a window with no line, don’t assume that it’s the express lane for your entitled ass to use. Don’t you think that if that was a line, we would be IN it already? And don’t try to weasle the clerk into serving you because you were, ‘confused’. If I’m gonna suck it up and pay the atrocious prices at Rita’s to get my ice fix, by golly, you had better not cut in line after I’ve been in the sweltering sun for 15 minutes. There will be a throwdown–and I will win.

6.  If you’re walking down the street, and all of a sudden, you realize, ‘hey, this looks familiar’, and you’ve never been here before but own every season of “The Wire” on DVD–by all means, turn around slowly and walk back the way you came. Do not run. Do not incite panic. You do not want to draw anymore attention to yourself than you already have–and believe me, people noticed you the minute you crossed the invisible ‘white people’ line. Our murder rates are high enough without adding your stupidity to the list.

7. Do not give money to the homeless. I know it seems cruel, and it’s hard for me to walk away from someone who needs help.  There are programs to help the unfortunate, and you can donate money to the ‘homeless meters’ around town. If you show one of these crackhead meth addicts that you have money, they will follow you, harass you, and possibly knock you over the head, steal your money, and then run away. It’s like inviting a vampire into your house–don’t do it! Maintain a steady walking pace, keep your eyes ahead (or rock dark sunglasses like I do so that people can’t see where you’re looking), and if they do start following you (which sometimes they will do), duck into the closest business until they lose interest and start following someone else.

8.  Don’t be a cheapskate.  Pay to park in the public parking garages that are provided for you. Don’t think you can save money by ducking into a residential neighborhood.  You might get away with saving that $10–or you might get hit with a $42 non-resident parking ticket–or even better–a $72 ticket for parking there during a stadium event. Or, there’s a possibility that you will be towed, and you’ll be hit with $240 tow fees, in addition to the parking ticket. Think of all the cheesecake you can’t eat if you have to pay for tickets or towing. It’s all a matter of perspective.

9.  Be smart. Be safe. Have fun. And go home safe. After all, if you die, you can’t come back next summer to make our lives a living hell!

10. And remember–there is such a thing as ‘white on white’ crime in this city–and I don’t want to be the one to ‘bring it’.

*I will never eat at the Cheesecake Factory…ever. And neither should you.* 

Oh yeah--I brought my A game to this one!

The first time that the Brain and I ventured there, we were in Baltimore for a conference which had us staying in the posh Baltimore Waterfront Marriott on the 28th floor with a fantastic view of the Harbor. This was  a year before we made the move to Baltimore.

We did the whole tourist thing–dinner at the Hard Rock Cafe, ESPN Zone, Top of the World Observation level in the World Trade Center, etc.

The ESPN Zone was fun (I totally rock at shooting hockey pucks–probably all that experience playing floor hockey in high school gym class). Is the ESPN zone as fun as Dave and Busters? Meh…It’s alot smaller, all the games are sport themed, theres no ticket rewards for prizes, and the food sucks. Oh, and it’s really expensive. But the one advantage? Fewer kids because the place was not really ‘kid friendly’. Props for that.

So, Baltimore got word that the ESPN Zone in the Inner Habor will be closing on Tuesday.  In fact, all the ESPN Zones that are not directly attached to a Disney property are being closed.  Boo-hoo. Am I disapointed? Not really.

My and Brain’s last experience there was sub-par, and resulted in us leaving without actually playing any games. The one time we ate a meal there, we suffered for two days with heart-burn. Crappy food, crappy customer service..Good riddance!

I’m more excited for what will replace them in the space. Another touristy trap restaurant? A micro-Dave and Busters? Or maybe the Barnes and Nobles will expand out? Who knows–but it has to be better than ESPN Zone.

Okay, the Brain and I were on a temporay LOA for part of the week. I know, I know–I should have told you, and then you could have offered to pick up my mail and grab my paper, and do all that fun neighborly stuff for me. I’ll remember next time.

Anyways, as the Brain and I walked down Penn Street last night, after partaking of a super awesome burger at 5 Guys in the Inner Harbor, we saw something that we inwardly cheer and jeer at the same time: a flattened rat in the street. I mean, ICK–but YAY!

Ick because it stinks and breeds flies–Yay because it’s one less vermin crawling the streets.

I know, TMI, but I really needed something to write about, and since I’ve been MIA for almost a week, this is the best I could do.  Get over it. Just be happy I didn’t post a picture of it.

I meant to post about this yesterday, but forgot. It’s not too late to take advantage of the weekend festivities at the Inner Harbor this weekend.

The BaltiMore Happiness for Less combines alot of area events an reduced price admissions to area attractions–slated to appeal to the locals. For example, two for one admissions to the “Top of the World” at the Baltimore World Trade Center.  Two years ago, the Brain and I paid $10 EACH to go to the observation level–so this is actually pretty cool.

I’m rather disappointed that this wasn’t marketed more. I didn’t know about the events this weekend until I read the Live section of the Balt Sun (which is the Friday edition). Harbor passes, which purchased in advance allowed admission to 4 or 5 local attractions, were available for advance purchase.  ADVANCE purchase. Hello? Three day advance purchase.

So even though it’s too late to get the money saving Harbor Pass, go ahead and head out to the Inner Harbor tomorrow and partake of something fun.

For the unitiated, Orioles opening day was this past Friday.  Game time: 3:05pm. And in solidarity with what appears to have been at least 90% of my neighborhood, I took the day off from work.  Of course, I didn’t actually GO to opening day.  My reasons were purely more selfish–I didn’t want to take the chance of coming home from work and being unable to find a parking spot.

My reasoning is this: Pickles Pub supossedly began serving at 6am. Ridgely’s Delight is across the street from Pickles Pub, and subsequently, from Camden Yards. Since most people are cheap-ass  bastards, they want to keep that money in their pocket for crappy beer and bar food, and will therefore risk the chance for a parking ticket and tow during a stadium event than to pay for a legal parking spot.  Where is the closest neighborhood parking for Camden Yards? You guessed it–right here in Ridgely’s Delight!

Since it was a day off, I did go out and take in some of the clusterf*ckiness that is Opening Day 2010. The weather was gorgeous, the sun was out (along with every @sshole within a 100 mile radius), and the Brain and I went to the Inner Harbor for a late lunch at FiveGuys, and then watched some of the Inner Harbor entertainment before heading back to the ‘hood. Look! It’s a crazy lady on a really really tall unicycle!**

Let me just preface this with: People are NUCKING FUTS! Look at some of the pictures that I snapped around the downtown stadium area on our walk (using my new LG Cosmos. Holla!) The sad part is that most people who take off from work for opening day, and who traverse downtown, don’t actually GO to the ball game! Say wha? No really–they don’t. Apparently, this is just one more reason to get drunk, puke in an alley, and have no-name, no-face, no problem sex with other similarly orientated peoples.

I wonder if a study has ever been done to see how many unplanned pregnancies and resulting births occur nine months from opening day? They’re always an influx of babies after major disasters such as a blizzard or hurricanes, or positive celebrations, such as elections (which would quickly turn disasterous if republican).  Maybe theres a correlation between sports events and birth rates, too.  Anyone want to look into that for me?

**(I do have pictures–locked on my phone. I just don’t know how to get them OFF of my phone to post them here for you. )**

mmm...peeps.

Just before Easter, the Brain and I were in a town with a Rita’s (I know there’s one at the Inner Harbor–but that would be too easy).

I had Peeps Ice. It was good. It was bright yellow and cold and awesome. I think that I could get used to this Rita’s thing.

I read an article in the BaltSun the other day about a new business coming to the Inner Harbor this summer: Hi Speed cruises.

According to the article, the boats will be slow when in the IH, but will get up to 42 knots when on open water. How fast is 42 knots, you ask? Well, let me ask Google….Okay, according to the goog, 42 knots is 48.33 miles per hour. Huh… the way that they’re pimping out this ‘high speed’ attraction, I was thinking that 42 knots was equivalent to..I don’t know–something really fast–like 80 mph or a Lamborghini, or a cheetah. Either one.

The premise is that patrons will get a historic blurb tour about the neighborhoods along the waterway (excluding Ridgely’s because we’re landlocked), and then go really fast–because who gives a f*** about the history of Baltimore when there is a NEED for OBNOXIOUS TOURISTS to get a THRILL at 48.33 MPH?!? I can’t WAIT for summer in B’more.  Bring it, B1tches!

The kicker is that this little tour will cost $25 per person ($15/child), per ride. And I bet they don’t even offer a season pass!I think I’ll be rockin’ the water taxi–at least I can get a frequent floater pass! And you still get to see historic neighborhoods–like Fells Point!  (hey Michael Phelps! How’s it going? Want to invite me and the Brain over for a cookout on your huge balcony? We’d love to come! And you don’t mind if I put on your gold medals just ’cause? Oh Michael Phelps, you rock! No, you do!)